Day 14 - Appearance.
This is me, July, 2010.
This is me, August 22nd, 2010 9:20 PM(today).
Dear the way I dress, act, look, to myself, as well as others,
I am so incredibly sorry. This is dedicated to ANYONE I have ever complained to in front of about my looks. It’s so so hard for me. I know that is no excuse whatsoever. I grew up having a hard time. I’ll explain more later, I’m sure a different post will require me to explain my past, but a quick version is my dad is unemployed a lot, we don’t have a lot of money, I’ve moved three times since I started ninth grade.
I want to be a musician. Most of every single person who sees this knows that already. How many of you have ever opened a magazine? or even looked at the cover? I’m not exactly what you see. I am not as skinny. I am not as tan. I am not the same height. I am not the same weight. I am not as athletic. I do not uses the same make up. I do not look like most, or really any of the people you would find in a magazine.
It makes me sad. The industry I want to be in. I don’t exactly fit in the mold that I “should”. It makes me self conscious. It makes me want to be smaller. It makes me want to be lighter. It makes me want to be prettier. It makes me scared.
Another chapter of my life is that I have (not in a conceited way) a bunch of friends. Guys and girls alike. And almost all of them are always talking to me about this new guy they have a crush on who has a crush on them. Or they talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend and about how they made out last night (etc). I hate that more than anything. Seriously I’m sorry, I love talking to all of you, but I don’t really want to hear what you and whomever did last night…
It hurts mostly because I haven’t been in a relationship for almost a year now. As horrible as it is for me admit this is, I honestly feel like the reason is all my appearance. I feel in the depths of my being that there is SOMETHING horribly wrong with me. That I have a awkward or ugly growth on my face? or something stuck in my teeth. Or I’m just completely revolting to the male species.
I know it’s not okay to cut myself down like that. I know I should be talking about how ‘everyone is beautiful on the inside AND out’. But, it just hurts. I think my worst problem about it, isn’t even that. It’s that feeling. The feeling you get when the guy you like texts you ‘goodmorning beautiful :)’ or ‘hey cutie’ or ‘night gorgeous’. I feel like the serious ONLY times I ever get compliments is when I beg for them. When I’ve already cut down my appearance. And that people are only saying that because they feel obligated because they’re around me.
It cuts my self esteem down so low. This is a really personal entry, it cuts so deep, so so close to home. My appearance, as bad as it sounds, it really high in my top priorities. I want to wear the right clothes. I want to look good. to “dress to impress”. Appearance is a huge aspect of musicianship. What would lady gaga be without her crazy outfits? But it’s also a huge part of just day to day life. How many times a day do you see someone you don’t know what so ever. How many of the people that you come in contact with do you look at what they’re wearing. How they’re presenting themselves. What goes on in your head? “DAMN FINE!” “EW PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!” what are you really thinking, that you could never admit to out loud.
Another problem I have, not exactly problem, but another quirk. People have told me dozens of times that me and my friend Sam look alike.
I’m on the left, she’s on the right incase you can’t tell.? haha.
Personally, I do not see the resemblance, but anytime I try to fight people on it I loose. The only thing we have alike our height. but whatever, people are crazy. And having a twin. I have no problem with that. Sam is one of my bestest of friends. She’s incredibly beautiful, funny, and just a blast to be around. But if she is my ‘twin’ she’s also the ‘hotter’ twin. And that again, kills whatever is left of my self esteem.
This post is suppose to be on appearance. So here I go. Everyone has an appearance. It’s not just what’s on the outside. It’s also what’s on the inside. Events throughout your life will shape your appearance, for the better or for the worse. I know I am not ugly. But I can’t help but feel it a lot of the time. If I complain about my looks you have my permission to punch me/smack me (just don’t leave a bruise, kay?). I am working on trying to just accept it when people compliment me instead of telling them that they are insane or dumb..
The one thing that I can say positively right now about my appearance.
Today I went to the village (it’s an outdoor mall), and we went into a store clothing store. I tried on some shorts cause I wanted to know what size between 00 and 12 that I am. (cause forever twentyone sizes are different and that’s mostly what I wear). I grabbed a size 6, because I had borrowed my friend’s 7’s the other day. I tried them on and they didn’t fit so Emily got me a new pair (my amazing friend, who is incredibly beautiful by the way). This pair was size 4. They fit much better. Last year back to school shopping and freshmen year all of the pants I wore were size 8/9. That’s one positive note…
I may not be perfect. I may be one of the ugliest/prettiest people in the entire city of Rochester (you may choose). But next time I come crying to you about my appearance, just know that I really just need you. I really really just need to hear that I’m beautiful. It helps a lot. Even if I push away the compliment.. It really does. So thank you. For putting up with me. For reading. For being there for me. The reason I put up the second photo was to prove it to myself that I could. It’s just a step in my process. I need to be able to see myself as beautiful in not only the first photo, but both pictures. As well as on the inside. With your help, I can do that. And from there, I can do anything else I want to.
Thanks for reading a really deep post from inside my heart. <3