Challenge.

Infinity and Beyond.: What If; I was.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 02:18:48 -0500

If I were a month, I’d be July.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.

If I were a time of day, I’d be 6:42PM.

If I were a planet, I’d be the Jupiter.

If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Narwhale.

If I were a direction, I’d be Southeast.

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be …

posted this like three years ago.. still accurate. interesting.

emily is a qt

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 22:12:04 -0400

uhmmm when did i post this? what.

laurajeanonline: IN THE END - TINA & LAURA JEAN :)

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:00:15 -0500

laurajeanonline:

IN THE END - TINA & LAURA JEAN :)

Day 29 - Your Ex.

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 19:19:29 -0400

This post will probably be the most emotional I’ve ever written, the most true, the deepest, with the most meaning. I can’t be completely honest with everyone when posting it, but those who know, know why this post means the most to me.

I prayed and hoped that when I got to the point to where I post this, I would have been in a new relationship and have had a breakup, so I wouldn’t have to talk about this. But I think it will help me heal from it. And I hope you see this and read it, completely.

Dear My Ex.

Anyways. It’s been over a year since we broke up. After this month it will be the 13 month anniversary of our break up. That’s such a horrible contradition…

I honestly don’t remember how we met. I think I’ve know you for a while. Several years at least. I do remember the first time I knew I liked you, and I wanted to be with you. We were walking into a store together. We had been holding hands the entire day. We had been holding hands in the car on the way to the store. We were holding hands walking into the store. The second we walked through the doors and you could see the security cameras, you whipped your hand out of mine. I was suprised, and I didn’t understand why you did that. You explained to me you only held your girlfriends hands in public. That second I wanted to be your girlfriend so bad.

I was confused with my interest in you. I didn’t know what it was. I wasn’t used to it. It was different for me. But I didn’t care. Cause I knew it was real. I could already say I love you, before we were dating. And completely hold heartedly mean it. We talked all the time, but I was so scared to tell you. What if you didn’t feel the same? What if you completely rejected me? I didn’t want to even think of that. I told two of my friends, and they told me I HAD to tell you.

Eventually, they ended up telling you, or asking you if you liked me, cause I was wayyyy to scared. You texted me and told me you heard from a little birdie that I liked you, and wanted to confirm this. And I confirmed it. That just started it.

Our relationship was incredible. It was unlike any other relationship I’ve ever been in. But It was probably my favorite. I loved when you came up to see me. I love when I went to see you. I loved all the things we did. I loved going to the cider mill with you. I loved going to eat at CiCi’s with you and your family. I loved watching the Strangers with you, and being scared to death. I loved hanging out with your friends, even though they did things I didn’t agree with at the time (I care way less now, because the majority of my friends are doing such things now, and I can’t really stop being from being themselves, choices are you’re own, not for others to make for you.) I loved being with you. I loved holding hands with you. I loved kissing you. I loved being next to you. I loved singing to you. I love everything about us. I loved you. I still love you.

I remember the night you broke up with me. It was the hardest thing ever for me to hear. I remember where I was. I remember the look in your eyes. I remember how bad it hurt. Even now, I still can feel that pain. I remember crying all night. I remember giving our friend your shirt to give it back to you. I remember wanting the shirt back the second I let it go. I would sleep with it every night. That was the hardest night to fall asleep. Everyone around me knew what happened. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried myself to sleep that night. The second I saw you the next day, I felt lower than dirt. It was the hardest thing to be around you. I just wanted everything to be back to normal. To be okay. It was the worst breakup I’ve ever had to deal with. I had never been broke up with. When you broke up with me, I was sure I was falling so hard for you. So so close to being in love. It was so bad. For weeks I would go over to my friends house and bawl my eyes out. I couldn’t be around people. I had to hide it all. I couldn’t tell people about it. No one knew. No one could understand, I felt. I didn’t tell anyone, except my close friends. No one, even to this day, knows who you are, except for my extremely close friends.

A couple of weeks ago, it was the 1 year mark, of our breakup. We’ve talked several times since, and even seen each other since. But I thought of you almost the entire day. I ended up texting you the next day. Seeing how you were and that jazz. It was amazing. I haven’t felt that happy since, we were dating. It was amazing. I was on cloud nine. All week, even if things sucked, I still had you to be happy about.

Whenever I get a text from you, to this day, my heart gets all fluttery. I smile so hard. I get such an adrenaline rush.

You honestly have put me in such a spell, you don’t even understand. I haven’t gone out with anyone since you. I haven’t really even hooked up with anyone since we’ve dated. It sucks a lot for me, cause I see your relationship status change a lot. And I always think about how it should say how we’re in a relationship.

We’ve been talking for the past two or three weeks, and I don’t even know how to feel about it. It makes me happy, but scared. I’m falling for you again. I can’t control my emotions for you. I don’t want to get hurt again. I can’t deal with being hurt by you again.

All I know is I love you still. A lot. I hope everything works out between you and me. You tell me all the time it’s up to divine order, and whatever is suppose to happen will happen.

I don’t exactly know if I believe that. I believe you need to make your own decisions and when you feel something, it’s usually right.

If it wasn’t suppose to be this way, I think I would have been done with you a long time ago.

But who knows. I love you. I have and always will. <3

-laurajean.

xox.

**Note: Anyone who reads this. Please, don’t ask me questions on this. If I want your advice or if I want to talk to you about it, I will conduct the conversation. I just don’t trust people as much as I used to anymore. I don’t want to keep getting hurt. So don’t pry with me.

Day 28 - Justin Bieber.

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 19:59:00 -0400

I gotta be honest, half the reason I decided in the first place I wanted to do this was so I could post an entry paragraph or ten about justin. :)

Dear JBiebz,

whuuuutupppp? ;*

jk.

actually though, Justin Bieber. I remember the FIRST time I heard his name. Chilling at my old friend’s house with my best friend Tina and we we’re watching Mtv. The show had just ended and there was the credits and they were playing a music video. And this little kid was singing about “One Love, One Heart..” Random shit. But it was catchy as hell. I really really wanted to know more. So we watched another half an hour show so I could catch his name this time, because so many times I pass up doing that cause ‘I don’t care enough’ or whatever.

So we got his name.. Justin Beebir… google search time! “Did you mean Justin Bieber?” oops.

Stalk time. Myspace. Facebook. lastly, Youtube. Watching every single video on his youtube channel.

“AWW OMG HE’S SO LITTLE! AND SO CUTE. ;D”

downloading ‘One Time.’

the next few days me and Tina became obsessed with One Time. Knew not one thing about the kid other than he was from Canada, and was friends with Usher.

One time wasn’t that big a hit. So nothing really happened, except I would listen to his stuff randomly when it came out and all. I didn’t wait in lines to buy his CDs, I didn’t make it to his first concerts in Michigan. I wasn’t that big a fan, just like, a ‘i’ll listen to this dude from time to time, he’s pretty chill, and really catchy.’

then i dont really know what happen…

but I got really sick one week. and had to go to the doctor’s.

They told me I had Bieber Fever.

That kinda started it. I don’t exactly remember when, but from there, me and Tina kinda went insane.

We watched videos on end, and she put up like five posters on her wall of him (and one of me lol), and we tried learning his dance moves, etc.

Currently, I still really really really enjoy Justin Bieber. I’ve never met him, so I can’t say ‘HE”S THE MOST INCREDIBLE GUY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND IM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND WERE GETTING MARRIED.’

but I can say, from what I see in videos and twitter and everywhere else, he seems like a pretty genuine teenager that’s doin’ it big and having a blast.

I would totally jump at the chance to meet him/talk to him. He seems like a chill dude, and I would love to ask for advice on music stuff for me. He’s someone I look up to. I honestly don’t care if people think it’s lame or teeny bopper.

He is talented and professional, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s attractive as well.

I really enjoy Justin Bieber. :)

-laurajean.

EDIT, forgot to mention… I’m going to ohio Thursday and Friday next weekend to see him play :) <3 cannot fucking wait for it. and I owe mariah my life for letting me go with her. she’s amazing. and so is justin. kay. bye :D

Day 27 - Your World

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 19:47:03 -0400

dear world.

I don’t really know what to say to you.

you are an amazing place. I’m really glad I got the chance to live here.

For this, I think I’m going to go with a different approach than most. For the world, there are many questions. How did this happen? how is there this big ass galaxy out there that we know absolutely nothing about? How are we here? How are we so infinitely small compared to the rest of the universe.

I think it’s incredible. and I think we were never designed to answer these questions. What is life worth living if all you do is know how everything is suppose to work.

“The world works in ways that no one understand, nor should. It just does. As do we.”

-laurajean.

Day 26 - The World

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 23:06:24 -0400

Dear the planet I live on know as earth,

this world is crazy. It’s so big. there’s so much to it. It’s wonderful. but it’s scary. there’s so much out there. if I could do anything, there’s a ton of stuff I’d do, but one of them would be to travel the world. It’s not exactly fair to write a post on something I don’t know much about. Seeing as I’ve only been to one other country, Canada, and only a handful of other states, writing about the world is kind of limited. There are so many places I’ve never even heard of. There are so many places I know absolutely nothing about. There are places I’ve seen pictures of but never been. Places I wish I could go. The world is a crazy maginaficent thing.

I can’t even begin to post about the world, cause I don’t know a whole lot about it. But I think that it could be an even better place, if everyone helped out and made it so.

-laurajean

Day 25 - Regrets

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 23:02:12 -0400

I’ve regretted doing many things in my life. Trying this. Trying that. Finding my way. Loosing myself. Working on finding my way back. Regret isn’t an easy one either. It sucks to feel bad about something you did. It sucks even more when you feel like if you had a choice to do it over, you would never have done it in the first place. There are only a few things that I can namely say I really regret trying or doing.

I regret peer pressure. It really can get to you and it sucks, especially if your forced by others and you REALLY don’t want to do something.

I regret guys. I regret trying so so so so so hard for guys that don’t even notice. don’t even take a 2 second glance. For waking up at crazy hours of the morning trying to make the hall, a runway, and make guys think I’m pretty.

Regret is never something good. At times I can totally say “I totally regret this.” but there aren’t as many of those as it would seem. I definitely believe moreover, that almost everything happens for a reason, or why would they have happened in the first place.

Every experience shapes us as a person. They build us stronger. If we had never tried, then we would have never learned. Learning is sometimes harder than already knowing and not having to try. But without trying you can never fail. and you can never succeed.

-laurajean

Day 24 - Guilt.

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 22:56:07 -0400

Guilt. Is. Ugly.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about guilt, but it sucks when you have a guilty conscience. Whenever someone says ‘guilty conscience’ I think of all the stuff I’ve done wrong lately. The list could go on, but I don’t need to detail it. It sucks when you know you’ve done something bad, and you wish you could change it but it’s too late. Even worse, when you can’t be forgiven for what you’ve done or said.

I hate feeling guilty. I feel like I’m on a trial in court and just lost and sentenced to life in prison. I try to live as much of a guilt free life as I can and think that whatever happens, happens for a reason.

-laurajean

Day 23 - Jealousy

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 22:51:39 -0400

dear anyone who has even been ‘jealous’ of me, and anyone I’ve ever been jealous of,

Jealous is ugly. it can tear best friends apart. it can wear away relationships. I can honestly say I have been jealous of many people before. They may be skinner than me, more confident than me, gotten the guy I wanted forEVER, prettier than me, smarter than me, cooler than me, whatever it may be. And I can honestly say it’s not a pretty sight. I have low self esteem. If I’m jealous of someone, I’ll start putting myself down. It’s a horrible bad habit I have. And the fact that I won’t accept a compliment. It’s bad. I’m working on it. Jealousy comes out a lot in me. I try not to show it, but it will eventually surface. I may not say anything to that specific person, but someone will hear about it. It’s not fair to them. It’s not fair to me. There are also many people who have said “OMG I’M SO JEALOUS.’” to me. It’s insanely suprising. You don’t know me. You don’t know the first thing about me. And you say, you’re jealous? How does that even begin to make sense? but It does, because I could say the same thing about you. You get to go to the store and buy the clothes you want. I can’t do that. You got your liscense and drivers training finished before you turned 16. I’m 17 and haven’t taken segment one. You’re insanely gorgeous. I like to think of myself as pretty average. You have all these friends. I feel so alone, always.

Just cause I’ve met this musician and that, doesn’t make me ‘lucky.’ Just because I play shows doesn’t mean I’m ‘lucky.’ to meet those band guys I worked hard. To get to the place I’m at now with my music, I’ve put money, soul, and dedication into it. I’ve worked my ass off for it. To be jealous of something I’ve worked for makes no sense. Yet there will always be someone to say it to me.

I don’t know how this world works, but I think it would be a lot better off without jealousy. We should be glad with what we have. It’s a hard thing to take into consideration because everyone wants the newest, bestest, etc. But there will always be someone better off and worse off.

-laurajean.

Day 22 - Three Main Topics Discussed on FaceBook

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 11:49:00 -0400

dear everyone on facebook,

three things I’ve noticed are talked about on facebook THE MOST are:

1). photos: basically, people are always commenting on photos. whether it be someone’s New Default, homecoming pictures, or some other dance, some camp or retreat they came back from, a concert, random photos with musicians/actors/the ‘famous’, or just day to day ‘i needed a new photo’ picture. Pictures are constantly commented on. Picture comments can be considered a popularity contest.

2). ‘Likes’: whether your ‘lik’ing a fan page for your favorite artist, or some random quote that you think is funny, or a brand. you can like pretty much anything on facebook. statuses, pictures, comments, etc. liking is becoming an epidemic. I’m waiting for them to install the ‘like’ button for people’s profiles ;).

3.) drama: the lastest in teen news. whether it be so and so’s dating him or her, or you won’t believe what happened at school today, to omg this girl is such a b!tch. biggest trend is messaging and writing on walls by far, talking about the lastest drama.

-laurajean

Day 21 - Disrespecting Your Parents.

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 20:57:49 -0400

dear mom and dad,

this one is hard for me, cause I’m not exactly sure what the topic means. I believe I haven’t really disrespected you guys much. I try to get good grades, and do the best I can. I stay out of trouble, as much as I can, and try to make you guys proud with my music.

I don’t think I’ve done much to disrespect you. I may broke one of your rules once or twice, unintentionally, but, I try hard to make you guys happy.

-laurajean

Day 20 - Your Future

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 21:56:17 -0400

dear my anything that happens after I press “create post”,

you are considered my future. Truthfully, I am already in the future from when I typed the words ‘Your Future.’ My current future, as I type this, is me typing this. My current, but further away future will be when I press create post. My even more further, but still close to now future will be me going to bed. In the future, I will be healthy, instead of sick. Every second, my sickness decreases. Every second, into the future, I get more healthy.

In the future, I hope to do many things. Some, are great big things. Some, are very small. Some affect many. Some affect just myself. Some are greedy. Others are kind. In the future I will finish my glass of orange juice. In the future I will reply to the text message that you send me. In the future I will fall in love. In the future I will be broken. In the future I will be fixed. In the future, I hope to get married. I hope to record multiple CDs. I hope to go on a world tour. I hope to meet many, many people. I hope to change people. I hope to write a song that can protray every emotion. I hope to meet musicians and ‘celebrities’ of whatever generation. I hope to be in a parade. I hope to be able to afford the things I want, without worrying about what I’m giving up later on. I will be going to two camps in the future. I will have a big show w/ Go Go Gizmo at the Rochester Hills Public Library in the future. I hope to open or play on huge bills with some of my favorite musicians and bands that I look up to.

I have many hopes and dreams for my future. In my near future I have so many things I want to get done. It’s kind of intimidating when I think about it. I have many supporters. I have many people who want to see my fail. To fall flat on my face.

My wish to them is that, if I can’t create every single dream I want to for my future, that they get exactly what they want. What their absolute wish for the future comes true. That they get to make something of themselves.

As a take a sip of my orange juice, I look forward to the future. 2010’s almost over. 2011 Is around the corner. Graduation. Prom. College. Careers. It’s all coming so fast. It’s all around the corner. It’s all a part of my future.

-laurajean

Day 20 - Your Future

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 21:54:08 -0400

dear my anything that happens after I press “create post”,

-laurajean

Day 19 - Plastic Surgery

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 20:25:46 -0400

dear plastic surgery,

I don’t really understand you. I would never use you, as of today. I don’t think this thought will change. You make girls fall into traps to make themselves think they have to be something they’re not. It’s dumb.

I don’t really care about you, except I’m not exactly for you.

-laura jean

xox.

Day 18 - Stereotypes.

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 23:33:00 -0400

Dear anyone who has ever stereotyped me,

I am incredibly offended. You don’t even know me and yet you judge me based off what you’ve heard, you’ve seen, what I dress, who I surround myself around. I am not who you think I am. Not one single person on this earth aside from myself knows EVERYTHING about me. I don’t even know everything about me. You have absolutely no right in judging me off of something I do or say. Just because I hangout with people who smoke, doesn’t make me a ‘Pothead.’ Just because I wear Nikes and 59Fifty hats doesn’t make me a ‘Poser.’ Just because I have friends who are gay, lesbian and bi does not make me a ‘Dyke’.

I am original. I am my own person. I do not fall under stereotypes well. I am not emo. I don’t cut myself. I am not succidal. I enjoy most aspects of my life. I am not a pothead. I don’t ‘smoke weed, get fucked up errrday’. I play guitar and sing. But I’m not a band slut. I’m not cocky about my music, but I know I’m not shitty. I have some confidence in my singing, or I wouldn’t waste my time doing something I suck at. I enjoy photography and editing photos. I know I’m not bad at that either. I am not insanely, smart. I’m not a nerd. I’m a pretty good kid I’d say. I don’t break curfew. I do most of what my parents tell me to do. I’m not a slut. I’m not a whore. I don’t sleep around.

Dear anyone who I have stereotyped,

I want you to know I feel like an asshole. You are so much better than that. Some of the first judgements I ever made with you are some of the worst things possible. Some of you are now my best friends. You are really beautiful. I know almost everyone immdiately has a stereotype go through their head when they see someone, but I am sorry I couldn’t contain myself.

-laurajean

Day 17 - FaceBook Without Pictures.

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 23:10:24 -0400

This one goes out to anyone whom I’ve denied because they didn’t have a profile picture,

Facebook without pictures would be like email. I personally am not the biggest fan of email. I still have one, and use one (if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t, but it’s required with the game plan). FaceBook pictures allows you to see whom you are talking to. It lets you see what you’re friends are up to. It helps you make sure that when you request a friend, you’re actually requesting the person you know, and not the fourty other John Smith’s. Facebook photos can also be a popularity contest. Who you’re in your pictures with. How many pictures you have. 10, 100, 1,000 and more. If you look good in your defaults guys and girls will comment on them. If you don’t, you probably don’t have a lot of comments on your pictures. That can also be a popularity contest, to have the most comments on a default. Facebook photos is a joke. People joke about ‘This is going on facebook.’ When people take pictures with musicians, it seems like they do it cause they will get more attention on facebook.

MySpace used to be the place, it was one of the first sites that really made photos a primary thing. People would take ‘Mirror pix’ and that would be a signature myspace shot.

Since then, MySpace has pretty much died out. FaceBook has taken the front seat in the photo networking sites. But pictures isn’t just the main thing. It’s also how you can look back at memories with friends, from days ago to weeks ago, to months, to years. It’s much more than just ‘who looks the HOTEST today.’

And to anyone I’ve denied because their default was of Jason DeRulo, Justin Bieber, or one of the Jonas’s, or just didn’t have a default at all. It’s also a sercurity check. To make sure you really know who your adding. To keep the ‘creepers’ off your site, and keep your friends.

Lastly, And it should go without saying, anything that gets on facebook is there forever. especially pictures. If you don’t feel comfortable with a photo you shouldn’t be stuck with it. If you didn’t upload it, get your friend to delete it. If you did upload it and it breaks any of the facebook policies, you should take it down imdiately. Colleges and Jobs go to your facebook right away to see what is being said and what pictures are up on your site. With one photo you could loose your dream college or dream job.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Make sure they’re the thousand you want to be saying.

-laurajean

Day 16 - Long Distance Relationships.

Sat, 04 Sep 2010 00:08:56 -0400

Dear a few of my exs, and most of my friends who live either further than an hour away or in a different state,

this one’s for you.

Long distance relationships suck. Plain and simple. I hate not living close to the ones who mean so so much to me. To my exs, we tried really hard to make it work. But it just didn’t. It may not have been because we didn’t live next door to each other, but distance did affect us in one way or another. I hate that something so dumb could come between us, but what’s done is done. I apologize for using it as an excuse before. I hope you all know that no matter how far away you live from me, I still care about you and think about you from time to time.

To my friends who live miles and miles away. God, I have so many of you. My close friends from home think it’s insane that I know so many people from so many different places. It’s pretty normal to me, but at the same time it truly sucks. You guys are my rocks. You bring me up to the happiest I’ve ever been. You turned my life around. You’ve experienced the most incredible things. I’ve met bands and musicians with you guys that people ‘awe’ over. I’ve ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with you. I’ve been in bands with you. I’ve called you late at night when I just need to cry to someone. I have an entire wall in my bedroom dedicated to letters I’ve gotten from you guys. Facebook helps me stay in contact with you guys (even though I still majorly suck.) as well as texting. You’ve seen me at my best and worst of times. And I thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me.

Long distance relationships makes the heart grow stronger. The love grow fonder.

Love > distance. Always. If you find something incredible, don’t let it go because it’s a couple hundred miles away. You can always find it with you. <3

-laurajean

Day 15 - Education

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:05:38 -0400

Dear all my teachers from at school, music, and day to day life,

You have all teached me something great. Education is a blessing. Not everyone has the opportinunities that I do. Sometimes I don’t realize this. Especially on days I have to wake up at 6 am to ‘learn’. School is a building. There are many many teachers in a school. Not all of them went to college and got a degree though. Some of my teachers from school are older than me. Some are younger. They are also going there to learn. But there are also there to teach.

In my music career, there is so so so so much I have to learn. There are many many many people who are way more experienced than I am, who have been doing it longer, who have wanted it longer, who have tried longer or harder. They teach me everyday to work my craft. to work so so hard. to do everything possible and want it with every ounce of myself. there are also people who I teach. People who ask me ‘how do you do it?’ I teach them what I know. And I tell them to ask more people for better definitions.

From day to day, I learn more and more. There is an expression that says “You learn something new everyday.” Reality is, you learn a lot more than ‘something’ everyday. You learn more about people. About your friends. About your parents. About your family. About the people who live around the street. About your pet cat or dog (or whatever animal you have).

People go to college to get degrees in education. My mom has a masters degree in early childhood education. She went to college when she was younger, and then when I was twelve she finished at University of Phioniex online. But just because she’s done with school doesn’t mean she’s done learning.

I am going to be a senior in high school this year. My educational journey is almost to an end, to an extend, for k - 12. It’s a crazy feeling. But it won’t be the end of my education. I really enjoy my education. I love learning. I hate getting up early, but I do enjoy school’s educational aspects. I really looking forward to my classes this year.

Thank you all my teachers, old and young for giving me something that not everyone has right at the tip of their fingers. I know I am blessed for this.

-laurajean

Day 14 - Appearance.

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 22:19:00 -0400

This is me, July, 2010.

This is me, August 22nd, 2010 9:20 PM(today).

Dear the way I dress, act, look, to myself, as well as others,

I am so incredibly sorry. This is dedicated to ANYONE I have ever complained to in front of about my looks. It’s so so hard for me. I know that is no excuse whatsoever. I grew up having a hard time. I’ll explain more later, I’m sure a different post will require me to explain my past, but a quick version is my dad is unemployed a lot, we don’t have a lot of money, I’ve moved three times since I started ninth grade.

I want to be a musician. Most of every single person who sees this knows that already. How many of you have ever opened a magazine? or even looked at the cover? I’m not exactly what you see. I am not as skinny. I am not as tan. I am not the same height. I am not the same weight. I am not as athletic. I do not uses the same make up. I do not look like most, or really any of the people you would find in a magazine.

It makes me sad. The industry I want to be in. I don’t exactly fit in the mold that I “should”. It makes me self conscious. It makes me want to be smaller. It makes me want to be lighter. It makes me want to be prettier. It makes me scared.

Another chapter of my life is that I have (not in a conceited way) a bunch of friends. Guys and girls alike. And almost all of them are always talking to me about this new guy they have a crush on who has a crush on them. Or they talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend and about how they made out last night (etc). I hate that more than anything. Seriously I’m sorry, I love talking to all of you, but I don’t really want to hear what you and whomever did last night…

It hurts mostly because I haven’t been in a relationship for almost a year now. As horrible as it is for me admit this is, I honestly feel like the reason is all my appearance. I feel in the depths of my being that there is SOMETHING horribly wrong with me. That I have a awkward or ugly growth on my face? or something stuck in my teeth. Or I’m just completely revolting to the male species.

I know it’s not okay to cut myself down like that. I know I should be talking about how ‘everyone is beautiful on the inside AND out’. But, it just hurts. I think my worst problem about it, isn’t even that. It’s that feeling. The feeling you get when the guy you like texts you ‘goodmorning beautiful :)’ or ‘hey cutie’ or ‘night gorgeous’. I feel like the serious ONLY times I ever get compliments is when I beg for them. When I’ve already cut down my appearance. And that people are only saying that because they feel obligated because they’re around me.

It cuts my self esteem down so low. This is a really personal entry, it cuts so deep, so so close to home. My appearance, as bad as it sounds, it really high in my top priorities. I want to wear the right clothes. I want to look good. to “dress to impress”. Appearance is a huge aspect of musicianship. What would lady gaga be without her crazy outfits? But it’s also a huge part of just day to day life. How many times a day do you see someone you don’t know what so ever. How many of the people that you come in contact with do you look at what they’re wearing. How they’re presenting themselves. What goes on in your head? “DAMN FINE!” “EW PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!” what are you really thinking, that you could never admit to out loud.

Another problem I have, not exactly problem, but another quirk. People have told me dozens of times that me and my friend Sam look alike.

I’m on the left, she’s on the right incase you can’t tell.? haha.

Personally, I do not see the resemblance, but anytime I try to fight people on it I loose. The only thing we have alike our height. but whatever, people are crazy. And having a twin. I have no problem with that. Sam is one of my bestest of friends. She’s incredibly beautiful, funny, and just a blast to be around. But if she is my ‘twin’ she’s also the ‘hotter’ twin. And that again, kills whatever is left of my self esteem.

This post is suppose to be on appearance. So here I go. Everyone has an appearance. It’s not just what’s on the outside. It’s also what’s on the inside. Events throughout your life will shape your appearance, for the better or for the worse. I know I am not ugly. But I can’t help but feel it a lot of the time. If I complain about my looks you have my permission to punch me/smack me (just don’t leave a bruise, kay?). I am working on trying to just accept it when people compliment me instead of telling them that they are insane or dumb..

The one thing that I can say positively right now about my appearance.

Today I went to the village (it’s an outdoor mall), and we went into a store clothing store. I tried on some shorts cause I wanted to know what size between 00 and 12 that I am. (cause forever twentyone sizes are different and that’s mostly what I wear). I grabbed a size 6, because I had borrowed my friend’s 7’s the other day. I tried them on and they didn’t fit so Emily got me a new pair (my amazing friend, who is incredibly beautiful by the way). This pair was size 4. They fit much better. Last year back to school shopping and freshmen year all of the pants I wore were size 8/9. That’s one positive note…

I may not be perfect. I may be one of the ugliest/prettiest people in the entire city of Rochester (you may choose). But next time I come crying to you about my appearance, just know that I really just need you. I really really just need to hear that I’m beautiful. It helps a lot. Even if I push away the compliment.. It really does. So thank you. For putting up with me. For reading. For being there for me. The reason I put up the second photo was to prove it to myself that I could. It’s just a step in my process. I need to be able to see myself as beautiful in not only the first photo, but both pictures. As well as on the inside. With your help, I can do that. And from there, I can do anything else I want to.

Thanks for reading a really deep post from inside my heart. <3

-laurajean